I've been lacking ambition. I've been lacking motivation. I've been having mood swings.
Just totally not feeling like myself.
I can blame it on hormones or find another excuse, but reality is that this is something I struggle with quite often. Randomly I start to get these depressing emotions. They are hard to shake off and last longer than I would like. These overwhelming emotions start to worry me. I worry I'm not giving Ethan enough attention, I worry I am letting my husband down, and I worry I'm not doing enough housework. Which can sometimes send me into a deeper depression.
I have found that when I start to feel like this, it's when I start to think a lot about my past. I start to question a lot of things, wondering why?
Why did I have to go through those situations?
Why am I so different from everyone else?
Why can't I just find a place to fit in?
Why, why, why....
It's not that I feel sorry for myself, it's more that I want to put these things behind me, but I can't. I want them to stop affecting how I feel and how I perceive myself. I so desperately want to move forward, but things in life take me back. Events happen and it brings back the memories. Brings back what makes me so different from everyone else. Brings back the pain caused by so many hard situations.
Something has been different about how I'm dealing with the depression this time. I'm starting to deal with it in a different way. Instead of leaning on myself or others for help through the depression, I've been leaning on God. I've been praying to Him for help and for guidance. I've been putting perspective on my past and trusting in Gods plan.
Most importantly, I am realizing and reminding myself, God loves me, so maybe I can find a way to love myself; God doesn't judge me, so maybe it's time to let the past go and stop letting it affect my self perception; God knows why, and maybe someday he will guide me to find those answers.
Trusting in God has help and comfort me in more ways than in the past.
If you are feeling down remember,
God loves you
God doesn't judge you
God knows why
And I hope this too, will help and comfort you.